The Wedding Night:  Simaril Style
by Simaril
Summary: A parody of the Breaking Dawn wedding night. There will no fade to black, but you may find yourself wishing there was. One-shot.


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**Disclaimer:** All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Written as a gift for my beta extraordinaire Gredelina1, I present the wedding night of Edward and Bella… Simaril style.**

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><p><strong>Wedding Night... Simaril style. <strong>

"Kazakhstan?" I asked, raising my eyebrows when we reached the gate in Seattle.

"Umm yeah, I let Emmett arrange the flights and bless him he's not the brightest crayon in the box," Edward said looking slightly embarrassed. "I'll see if I can rearrange our flights."

He succeeded in changing our flights, all it took was a bit of dazzling and a quick peek at his abs.

_Edward's abs. Sigh_

Admittedly he couldn't compete with Jacob but he did smell better. The combination of Jacob's elevated temperature and aversion to deodorant made close contact with him a noxious experience.

I slept on the plane and was woken rather abruptly by Edward shaking my shoulder so violently my teeth chattered and bellowing "WAKEY WAKEY,"

"Australia?" I said rolling my eyes as I checked my boarding pass. "Emmett again?"

"Well no actually, this one was my mistake, I'll go…"

"Seduce another airline employee?" I said irritated.

"Yep," he flashed me his crooked grin and trotted off to violate the mind of another innocent.

He came back after a few minutes zipping his fly as he walked.

"Edward," I said horrified. "You didn't!"

"There is nothing I wouldn't do for you Bella," he said with an expression of devotion.

_Nitwit. _

We arrived in Rio just as the sun was setting, which was convenient as my dufus husband hadn't taken his tendency to glitter like a disco ball into account when planning our honeymoon.

We found a taxi and Edward chattered away in Portuguese to the driver as we travelled. I may not be an expert in linguistics but I knew enough to know that Edward has just enquired after the driver's gastric health.

"Who is this moron?" the driver asked.

"My husband," I said sadly.

"I pity you," he said with feeling.

_Me too, _I thought.

The taxi came to a stop at the docks and Edward handed a bill to the driver.

"Keep the change," he said with a money-means-nothing-to-mesmile.

"I would, you moron, but you just gave me the equivalent of fifty cents."

I paid the fare, apologizing for Edward's stupidity. "It's not his fault, he was dropped as a baby. A lot."

Edward led me over to an impressive looking speedboat. "What do you think?"

"It's lovely," I said admiringly.

"I know, I wanted to buy one but Carlisle wouldn't let me. I borrowed this one from a fisherman instead," he said pointing at a decrepit looking rowing boat. "It may leak a little but if you can plug the holes we should make it."

_Is it too late for an annulment? _I thought hopefully.

He climbed in gracefully and chuckled when I skidded on the slick dock and landed upside down on the seat.

"My clumsy Bella," he said affectionately.

He rowed us away from the deck at a steady pace as I tried to plug the many holes in the boat with my hands. Once we were out of sight of the people on the deck – most of whom were pointing and laughing at us – he sped up.

"Are we going much farther?" I asked, after an hour of travel. I was not loving the motion of the sea and had already vomited over the side twice.

"We're almost there, can you see it yet?"

I scanned the horizon and was able to make out a dense shape rising from the water.

"Isle Esme," he said happily. "It was a gift from Carlisle, he had pissed Esme off by forgetting their seventy-seventh anniversary so he bought this. He tried to buy Hawaii but they were asking too much money."

He rowed us to a small deck jutting out from the shore and grabbed my carry-on bag. "Can you grab that one for me?" he asked pointing to a huge steamer trunk.

I dragged the trunk up to the porch and waited while Edward grappled with the lock.

"I think you're supposed to insert the pointy end into the hole," I advised.

He stared at the keys confused so I took them from him and unlocked the door myself.

The interior of the house was familiar, very familiar. It was an exact replica of the Cullens' Forks house. The same furniture, the same white on white décor. I had often wondered if Esme was color blind as I had yet to see any room she had decorated that varied from the pale color scheme.

"I was wondering," Edward said slowly, "if... first... maybe you'd like to take a midnight swim with me?" He took a deep breath, and his voice was more at ease when he spoke again. "The water will be very warm. This is the kind of beach you approve of. I tried to think of anything that would make this easier," he said.

"Did you stock the kitchen?" I asked. "I'm kinda hungry."

He slapped a hand to his forehead. "I knew I forgot something. I have those edible undies Alice gave me though, will they suffice?"

Oh joy, a dinner of kinky underwear, I owed Alice big for this.

"I'm sure you'd like a human moment first, you haven't used the bathroom for a while now and you know it's not good to hold it too long."

Of all of Edward monitoring habits this was the worst, I'm pretty sure he kept a record of my 'human moments'.

I did want a moment alone though, I was seriously considering pleading a headache and skipping the whole wedding night thing. I was pretty sure if we consummated our marriage I wouldn't be able to get an annulment.

I headed to the bathroom and started the shower, stripping my clothes and standing in front of the mirror.

_Need to shave my legs. _I thought distractedly, an unfortunate side effect of the Higginbotham genes was the extreme hair growth. At least I wasn't as cursed as Renee, if she didn't wax weekly she looked like an extra on _Planet of the Apes. _

I stepped under the spray and immediately jumped back.

Holy shit that was cold!

"Bella, are you okay?" Edward called up the stairs.

"C-c-c-cold!" I said through my chattering teeth.

"Yes, I thought you would appreciate the cool water so I turned off the water heater." _Idiot. _"I also laid out some undergarments for you to wear."

"Thanks," I replied testily.

I made quick work of my human needs and wrapped a towel around myself, walking into the bedroom.

_What the fuck!_

On the bed was the 'undergarments' Edward expected me to wear. It was a pair of frilly bloomers that came down below the knees and what could only be described as a smock. It was frilly and horrendous and covered more flesh than I would expose in mid-winter.

Screw that! I wrapped the towel a little closer around me and thumped onto the bed, considering my options. I could go down to the water and finally get laid, dooming me to divorce or an eternity of frilly bloomers and stupidity. Or I could grab the row boat, make my way back to the city and join a convent. The convent idea was actually rather appealing but my hormones rebelled.

I was a hot blooded woman and Edward really did have a nice body. Screw it, I was going to get me some sex.

I walked out to the shore and saw Edward's clothes folded neatly on the sand. OCD much? I couldn't see him in the water but he had to be there, he promised for fuck's sake. I dropped my towel and stepped into the water, enjoying the warmth, it wasn't exactly a hot spring but it was at least warmer than the shower.

"Edward," I said tentatively. "Where are you?"

He emerged from the water, spitting a mouthful of water and smacking his head to get the water out of his ears.

"I got water up my nose," he said mournfully, "That's really gro… Oh my stars! Bella you're naked!"

He clapped his hands over his eyes and began gibbering. "Boobs…I saw… oh my… navel…"

"Edward, you need to calm down, take your hands off your eyes and man the fuck up!"

He removed his hands but kept his eyes squeezed shut. I huffed in irritation and he tentatively opened one eye.

"Boob," he said stupidly.

"That's boobs plural, dumbass,"

He opened his other eye and gazed transfixed at my chest. This was going to take a while if I left him to take the lead so I stepped closer and slid one hand down his stomach and under the water.

_Hang on! Where is it? _

I looked down through the crystal clear water and searched for evidence of his gender. It was like a Where's Waldo puzzle and when I finally spotted it I had to stifle a giggle.

No wonder he wanted me to marry him before he would allow me more than a glance at the abs. The poor thing was embarrassed, understandably embarrassed.

I gripped him delicately and he sucked in a breath. "Slow down, Bella, I won't be able to last if you are so enthusiastic."

_Oh dear Lord!_

"Well if you're having trouble why don't we head into the house now, we will be more comfortable on the bed," I suggested.

He nodded his agreement and swung me over his shoulder and all but ran to the house, throwing me on the bed where I bounced right off again and landed, once again, upside down.

"Ooh sorry," he apologized, dragging me back onto the bed by my ankle. "So how do we do this?"

I closed my eyes and prayed for patience.

"Surely Carlisle explained the mechanics of this," I said.

"Yes, he had diagrams and anatomically correct dolls. I meant how are we going to _do _this, do you want to be on top?"

_Why the hell not, it's not like I'm going to feel a thing anyway. _

I pushed him back against the pillows and straddled him. Trying to position him, it was a little like trying to aim a cocktail umbrella.

"Is it in?" he asked hopefully.

_How the hell would I know?_

He seemed to think it was as he gripped my hips and rocked me back and forth.

"Oops, it popped out again!" he said ruefully, repositioning me.

I had the uneasy feeling we were being watched. That was impossible though, right?

He carried on grunting and thrusting and I mentally cataloged the contents of the room to keep myself entertained.

_Hmm, lovely armoire, that chair is nice, I wonder if there is a TV in here somewhere. _

Suddenly a raucous laugh sounded outside the window and I looked around horrified. Standing outside with their noses pressed against the window was Carlisle, Emmett and Jasper. I could see the top of a spiky head of black hair, and realized Alice was out there too, but too short to see through the window.

"Go on my son!" Carlisle encouraged. "You can do it!"

I tumbled off of Edward and covered myself with a sheet.

"Hey, no fair!" Emmett complained. "It's not like we haven't already seen it."

"Some of us more than others," Alice chimed in from her place in the shrubbery. "Are you always that hairy?"

_That is it, I can deal with Mr. Pencil Dick, even with the fact he wants to nosh on my blood, but having a Cullen family outing on my honeymoon is fucked up. _

"I'm sorry, Bella. I was concerned that I would not be able to control myself so I asked them to come. You were supposed to watch quietly though," he said addressing the others.

I took a deep breath. "Edward, I want an annulment."

"I hardly think _that _is appropriate, let's stick with the traditional access shall we," he said disapprovingly.

"Not _that_ you halfwit, I want an ann-_ul_-ment."

"That's not fair," he said shocked. "I did everything you asked."

Enough of this shit! I grabbed the nail file from my purse and slid it across my wrist.

"Edward, dinner time," I said happily.

He launched himself at me, his teeth sinking into my neck, the venom burning as it entered the blood stream.

"Carlisle, a little help here," I said.

"Sorry Bella," he said sternly. "Edward is right, you had a deal."

Edward was still attached to my neck gulping like a fat kid with a slushy.

_Oh shit!_

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><p><strong>Hope you enjoyed. If you have any suggestions or requests for parodies of the Saga please PM me. <strong>


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